Motherhood: The Pledge

I woke up this morning and decided to create a mini vision board. I had all the pieces cut out, just hadn’t gotten around to it. I have a large one that I did last year, with my sister circle, at our annual Kwanzaa celebration. I wanted to do the second one as a reminder of two specific things: meditation and writing.

The month of May and the beginning of June proved to be quite a transformative time for me. So many things that I have struggled with, prayer for, and worked steadily towards, were finally put to rest. It was a time of letting go, closing doors, cleansing, and opening up new opportunities. I was able to lay down all the burdens that I had carried for the last few years and reconnect with myself in a way that was quite profound. I didn’t realize how much the weight of certain struggles in my life was affecting me. In one month, that was completely changed.

I had a full circle moment that to me, symbolized the completion of this certain phase of my life. The past few years have been the most difficult of my life. From losing my father (3 years ago) and grandfather (last year), to becoming a mother twice within 14 months, to dealing with the loss of a relationship, to financial struggles, and dealing with depression the entire way through; I had to work through it all to build my life up again. This phase of my life was about really facing me, dealing with a lot of unresolved issues, and learning some hard life lessons.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I wrote letters to her in a journal. I was so excited about the journey and I wanted to share it with her when she got older. I wrote from the time I was 5 months pregnant up until a couple days after my due date. After she was born, I went to write in it and I couldn’t find it. I was crushed. That journal meant so much to me; I looked everywhere in hopes of finding it. I had never let go of losing it. A few months ago, I even thought about calling this restaurant I used to eat all the time while I was pregnant with her, to see if may have been collecting dust in their lost and found box.

Losing that journal traumatized me to the core. With losing my father and not having much to my name (so I thought at the time), that journal represented so much more than words on pages to me. I agonized over it constantly. I stopped writing for a long time; I didn’t even want to write in her baby book. It was just an added weight on my already depressed mind and body.

I fought my way through all of my sadness and found peace in possibility. Even when I thought I was at my end (several times), there was always some sort of divine intervention that affirmed my faith and trust. Something or someone would bring just what I needed, with the perfect timing.

When I went back to Atlanta in May to finish up some business there, I had no idea what was in store for me. As I said before, everything that I was struggling with came to a close. And on the last day of dealing with my home there, I decided to take some paper bags that I had collected, to the recycling center. As I was placing the bags in the recycling dump, I noticed that something was at the bottom of the last one. I pulled the bag that covered the item out and to my absolute shock, there was my pregnancy journal. I kept my composure but, I was screaming and crying on the inside. I had not only found my journal (or, it found me) but, it was the last piece of the puzzle. Suddenly, I could breathe easier. It was the last burden that I had not yet made absolute peace with and it represented the beginning and end of this rocky road for me.

Now that I am more free and clear, I must honor this opportunity by doing everything that I’ve been saying I wanted to do for so long. Two of my challenges are discipline and completing things. I have always been able to find an excuse on why I didn’t finish something. Or, I would find a new distraction. Now, I have no choice but to invest my energy into my life’s work and manifest my dreams. There is nothing in my way. And perhaps, there never was.

I am making a pledge to myself, to my children, family, and to all of you, to meditate and write every day; no matter what. Meditation represents discipline and tapping into my inner being; it’s a pathway to clearing my “container” (body and mind) so that I can be centered enough to write with clarity and focus. The potential of my life depends on my discipline to meditate every day. I have failed many times. And if I want to be a great author, I must be deliberate about the actual practice of writing and completing my writing projects.

So, I made my vision board to keep me on track and I hope that you all can help with this too. Feel free to email, send an FB message, or whatever, and ask me if I’ve written anything or meditated on that day. One thing a dear friend reminds me of daily is how I isolated myself during the hardest times of my life. In reconnecting with myself, I am working on reconnecting with people.

I am excited for this turning point in my life. I intend to make myself and everyone around me, very proud by what I will accomplish. The lesson here is that there is inspiration in possibility, fulfillment in deliberate action, and happiness in the manifestation of dreams.



My pregnancy journal



I talked about some of my favorite things like, the Lotus flower....



Motherhood: Do away with self-doubt and embrace self-love

So, my daughter has this song she made up called "I like me." She started singing it a couple weeks ago in the car as we were driving along. At first, I thought she was singing "I like meat." One of her aunties likes to talk about how much she loves meat around her, so she will mimic her from time to time! It wasn't until the next day that I realized she was singing "I like me" and I just melted. She sings it from her soul; she smiles, dances, screams it as loud as she can. And she loves for me to chime in too.

I am the kind of mother who tries to think outside the box in terms of what I teach my babies and how I teach them. I am constantly making up songs, creating affirmations, making up gestures that will remind them of certain values; I try to get creative with everything. And I talk to them about things that to some, may seem way over their heads. Sometimes when I am doing these things, I feel so silly and I think to myself, "Is this really going to work?" Or I wonder how much of what I am saying, do they actually understand. But, when I see my daughter embrace who she is with such certainty, it just inspires me to keep trying. She soaks up everything I throw at her, sometimes right away or I'll see the result of something I said or did, in something she will intitiate herself. It has really expanded my thoughts on children's capacities to learn and absorb information.

My daughter actually came out of the womb with her assuredness, I just want to help it grow. From dancing in the mirror at 6 mths old, to understanding her magnetic quality when she walks in to a room; I am constantly amazed by how strong she is, in who she is, and as young as she is. It's actually too much at times but, it's completely rooted in her spirit which makes it difficult to interfere with. It can be a challenge but, as her mother I only want her to continue to have a healthy self-image and to love herself through everything that life brings.

One of the little "gestures" we do all the time is called the "the squeeze." From the time she was a year old, I would say to her, "give yourself a squeeze." She'll wrap her arms around her body, make the hugging sound, and then give herself a kiss. I'll do that with her when she is upset or just in random happy moments. She loves it. These types of things really stick with her and she'll initiate them on her own too. It is quite corny but, most effective!

The moral of this story is that guiding children in love is beautiful and healthy. I remember exactly when my self-esteem crumbled. I was entering middle school and the light that I saw myself in was dimmed, in one day. And it's something that I've had to struggle with since. When I look at my daughter now, I want that strength that she has to be for her safe keeping. And when I hear her sing her song, it tells me to stop doubting myself because she is getting it.

Until next time.